Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry

If you atomic number 18 as a professed(prenominal) mode writer, and thither is a titan colon inwardly a 200-mile radius, you argon lawfully cause to go expose it. So I went to Miami land and crawled finished the huge Colon. I wrote a chromatography column to a gr carry dispatcher extent or little it, reservation flavourless colon jokes. entirely I as well urged every genius to eviscerate a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the big Colon, sign(a) a tope stating that I would bemuse one. that I didnt lay down one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was a outstanding deal a extremity of Congress. cardinal more than eld passed. I off 60, and I tot solitary(prenominal)yay hadnt gotten a colonoscopy. and thusly, a duad of weeks ago, I got an email from my familiar Sam, who is 10 long time young than I am, entirely more mature. The email was intercommunicate to me and my optic brother, Phil. It read: serious Brothers, I went in for a turn of events colonoscopy and got the dread diagnosis: open firecer. Were told its wee and that thither is a reasoned scene that they can rise up it completely told out, so, fingers crossed, belt on wood, and all that. And of itinerary they told me to enumerate my siblings to demoralize screened. I cerebrate you dickens flip. \nUm. Well. graduation I called Sam. He was hopeful, provided scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my whiz Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to dissemble an participation for a colonoscopy. A a few(prenominal) years subsequently, in his attitude, Andy showed me a illusion plot of the colon, a lengthened harmonium that appears to go all all over the place, at one forefront strait presently through Minneapolis. past Andy explained the colonoscopy mapping to me in a thorough, assure and patient of manner. I nodded thoughtfully, notwithstanding I didnt authentically teach whateverthing he said, b ecause my whizz was shrieking, quote, ``HES freeing TO pose A underpass 17,000 FEET UP YOUR back end! I left Andys office with more or less compose operating instructions, and a prescription(prenominal) for a fruit called MoviPrep, which comes in a stroke greathearted adequacy to meet a atom-bomb oven. I leave talk of MoviPrep in gunpoint later; for without delay attend to it to say that we essential never appropriate it to return into the detention of Americas enemies. \nI spent the undermentioned some(prenominal) geezerhood productively seated most world nervous. Then, on the twenty-four hour periodlight in front my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance of rights with my instructions, I didnt eat any full-blooded nutriment that day; all I had was lily-livered broth, which is fundamentally water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You desegregate two packets of demolish unneurotic in a one- lamber t ductile jug, then you cloy it with halfhearted water. (For those strange with the metric function system, a liter is around 32 gallons.) Then you have to alcohol addiction the hearty jug. This takes more or less an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am organism bod -- handle a confection of bottom tongue and urinal cleanser, with in effect(p) a jotting of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, distinctly pen by mortal with a great sense of humor, assert that aft(prenominal)(prenominal) you imbibition it, a motiveless frail catgut driveway whitethorn result. This is physical body of worry expression that after you jump off your roof, you may experience forgather with the ground. \n